“…but people disappoint you.”

“yes, but they also make me the happiest I’ve ever been. see, that’s the thing. do you accept a life of neutrality, filling your days with only books and scenery. or do you allow yourself to be open to all the possibilities that comes with companionship. the highs and lows. the potential for great pain and loss, but also for that feeling of elation that can only come from sharing a moment with another person.”

 

an ode to the immemorable.

I’m trying to put it into words. The happiness that comes from loving. From being loved back. And I don’t mean romantically. I mean the simple act of being in love with your friends. The people who we choose to fill our days with. The type of love which is so simple. So nondescript. Immemorable. But the absence of which is so large.

Because it’s those seemingly immemorable moments that make up a life. Making each other cups of tea and knowing how they like it. Days spent not doing anything in particular, just existing in each others company.

Or spontaneous movie nights, filled with whispers and giggles. Laughter that has been pent up as the credits roll. Making dinners, with one person doing the groceries if the others will do the dishes. That basic act of eating a meal together. Laughing and sharing stories, while picking off each others plates.

It’s something that almost defies explanation. Definition. But, ultimately, it’s in those moments that you feel it. That perfect sense of content mixed with happiness mixed with comfort.

Because those moments of togetherness, in the most commonplace of ways, is the difference. Between just existing. And being in love.

i spend most of my days.

I spend most of my days wondering how I got here. How I got to be this person. Wondering which moments in my life led me to who I am, which came to define me.
Which of my memories hold the keys to myself. Which, if done differently, would change me.
Is it those childhood holidays to South West Rocks. The Enid Blytons I would read under the covers growing up. The boy I loved when I was 17.
Or is it the reason I cut my hair short in Year 12. Why I up-and-moved to Wollongong. The result of long drives along the coast.
I wonder which decisons and choices, made differently, would take me down another path.
To a different me.

life lessons. 

Tea makes everything better. All things. There are no parameters to this statement.

Don’t judge selfies. The selfie-er felt either beautiful or happy or proud or just liked the way the lighting was or wanted to chronicle the way they were feeling at that particular point. Don’t take that away from them.

Read. A lot. Books of all different types. Fiction or non fiction. Books of things you’re interested in, or know nothing about. Mystery stories. Romance novels. Books about the future. About the past. Everything.

Some people we are meant to have around forever. And some people we are only meant to have around for a time. It will take a couple of goes around the mulberry bush before we can figure out who is which. But be okay with relationships ending. And be okay with some going on forever.

You really really really really have to be okay with being alone before you can be with someone else. It’s the only way to tell if you like the someone, or just having a someone. There’s a difference between the two.

People are the most beautiful when they are feeling passionate, whether it’s about a thought or an idea, a life plan or a person. Whether it’s feeling a feeling with all of you, dedicating all the different parts of you to feeling that emotion. Or if it’s something your passionate about. Discussing your new favourite class or book. What you want to do with your life. Hell, why leonardo dicaprio is the greatest actor of his generation. Because that’s when the emotion makes it’s way into your eyes. The glow on your face. The way your mouth moves. That’s when we are our most beautiful.

Scenery can change your life. Even if it’s just the simple epiphany at how small and inconsequential we are. How big and beautiful the world is. How lucky we are.

Try really really hard to not let people make you feel inadequate. I know that’s one of those things that are much easier said than done, the advice that someone gives you that’s super hard to put into practice. But honestly. Someone will always judge you. It doesn’t matter what decision or life path you choose to make. Both on a small or a grand scale. And as soon as we realise that, and consciously try to not let it affect us, it’ll be so much easier.

Don’t get too hung up on people. The amount of guys I have had a crush on in my long and single life is quite high. And every time the sentiment hasn’t been returned (which is quite a character building experience in itself). But one thing I’ve taken away is that it will end. One day you’ll be sitting down drinking a cup of tea, and you’ll realise that they don’t affect you anymore. Their laugh, the way they say your name…it doesn’t make your world turn anymore.

Someday someone will find the way you laugh, I mean really really laugh, whether it’s silent claps or loud snorts, to be their favourite sound in the world. Wait for that person.

We are each the only person in the world with our combination of traits and flaws and quirks and foibles and secret smiles and scrunching of the nose and the way we laugh and what makes us smile in the world.

when he loves someone else.

Because when the boy you love, loves someone else, the hurt isn’t just the loss of them as a potential human. It’s the loss of that potential life. The life we envisioned, when we did that little subconscious thing we do, what it would be like to be humans together. It’s that entire life path just vanishing.
Because now you’ll never spend lazy afternoons together drinking tea. Or going on long afternoon drives bonding over your mutual love of…Vegemite. You’ll never get to spend that classic summer break with them, days spent at the beach and eating hot chips and splices. You’ll never get to be that girl who kisses him while he does the dishes, or holds his hand while buying groceries.
That daydream, sun-drenched and filled with laughter, is gone. And you’re left with something that feels a lot like nothing.

i think i’ve fallen in love.

I think I’ve fallen in love with myself. Which sounds horribly narcissistic, but it’s not. Really it’s not. I am currently at work, and wearing nothing on my face but coconut oil and a lick of mascara. Two years, or even just one year ago, that would have made me self conscious and awkward and embarrassed. Planning ways to duck home and put a bit of slap on. And this isn’t one of those “I fell in love with my skin and now I think i’m a goddess” type spiels. I think it’s indicative is all. The fact that I am now comfortable with letting people see what I really look like. The freckles. The pimples. The different levels of tan because I apparently don’t know how to evenly spread sunscreen. The fact that I don’t feel like I need to make myself look a step closer to flawless (still a very far away goal). The fact that I’m comfortable with the way my genetic make up dictates. That I’m happy for people to see (prepare for a cliche) the real me.

Because falling in love with yourself is the best thing you can ever do. And it’s a work in progress. Only over the past couple of years have I thought of myself properly well. But now, I think I’m slowly rising to the next level. Because I’ve been in love before. Maybe it’s because the love was never requited that I never really loved myself. But that’s a whole other topic. When you love someone, you love every part of them. Even the stuff that is generally considered a flaw. The gap in their teeth: so cute. The way they absentmindedly tap the table (usually so annoying) is the most adorable thing anyone has done in the existence of time. The way they laugh and snort at your jokes makes you feel like you’re on cloud nine. Apparently I even find being a complete asshole and not nice person attractive at times. Slays me.

My point is, all the things we would find as flaws if the tables were turned, are the things we find attractive. The things that endear us to them. What we point to when asked what we like. We find them, holistically, the most beautiful thing in the world. They are greater than the sum of their parts.

And thats why we need to love ourselves. Really and truly. I mean like, we need to have a low-key crush on ourselves. Because that’s the only sane way to get through life. Because, on some very sad days, we will be the only ones that love us. And that’s what gets us through. We see our flaws as endearments (though if your flaw is something like hating every human being, you should probably work on changing that one).

What i’m saying is, I think i’ve fallen in love with myself. And its so absolutely freeing. It takes me two minutes to get ready in the morning. Slap on some coconut oil, and spend the rest of the morning reading. I can go to the movies alone without fearing the judgement of the couples there (be warned: there are a lot of couples). I can go through my days and weeks and years alone, not worrying what inherently wrong thing there is in my make up of me.

one day.

One day. One day it will all make sense.

Why he didn’t look at you the way you wanted him to. Why, despite all your best efforts, it never worked out between you and him. The reason you didn’t get that job. Why that apartment on Robert St went to someone else.Why you felt your UNI course wasn’t the right one. Why he never bothered to learn how you take your tea.

Because maybe you blamed it on the alignment of the planets, your horoscope. Maybe you blamed the landlord, or your references. The girl who sat behind you and 2 seats to the left.

Maybe you even blamed yourself. For not being pretty enough or smart enough. For coming off too strong, or not coming off strong at all. Maybe you blamed the scar above your eyebrow that you’ve never loved. Or the way you laugh.

But the real reason, is none of those things. The real reason is so simple, and so out of our hands, that it’s maddening. We try to contrive reasons, blame it on various circumstances, to try and put the control back in our hands.

Because the truth is, the simple and maddening truth is, it just wasn’t meant to be.

But one day.

One day, it will be.

getting up before the sun.

Your alarm goes off at 5.10AM. You contemplate hitting snooze and going back to sleep. But you commitYou get out of bed, and pull on swimmers and a pair of shorts. Drive bleary-eyed into town, in that autonomous way that makes you wonder if you possibly ran a red, due to the lack of attention that went into it. Still wishing you were back under the doona. But then you get there, and you see the ocean and the haze on the horizon. And all doubts and worries and potential regret fades. You’re wide awake. And as the sun rises right in front of you, with some early bird surfers in the foreground, you get it. You remember what you had forgotten. Getting up early, getting up before the sun, is always worth it.