Life is hard.
No one really warns you of that when you’re younger. I mean, it’s alluded to, but I just thought they meant paying rent or finding a comfy couch in your price range and discussing private health insurance.
But I guess that’s for the best. Because maybe if someone told me just how hard, I don’t know if I would’ve gone through with it.
There are times in our lives we think we won’t survive. Existing, in its simplest form, is heartbreaking. The idea of having to get up everyday, and be a human, and to go on doing that forever. (And I just want to say, it’s not suicidal. It’s just…not wanting to be living. There’s a big difference.)
You’ll feel less whole. Like you’re holding onto existence with only the briefest of fingertips. It turns out you can feel emptiness behind your eyes. Sadness is a physical feeling, below the ribs above the stomach, the black hole that defines you.
It seems insurmountable. Having to put ourselves back together. Picking up all the different parts strewn all over the floor, trying to assemble it all, what place fit where. Remaking the parts of ourselves we gave to other people.
But it can be done. It’ll take many cups of tea, and days spent just walking around the apartment, rearranging all the galaxies inside you. The neighbours will probably think you’re crazy. A pink sky will both make and break your heart. But the people who love you will tell what stars of yours they love, what to keep and what to remove. They’ll make your tea just the way you like it without having to ask, make you dinners and tell you that the sun will continue to rise everyday and it’s up to you to make peace with it.
But you’ll start sighing less and the notes you write yourself will get happier and happier. The people you love will become the centre of your universe and moments spent sitting around a table with make you feel the closest you’ve felt to whole in months. And one night you’ll be sitting at home having a cup of tea and you’ll realise that you feel at home in your skin again and it will make you feel something thats not happy and its not sad but somewhere in between and a little to the left. It’s nice.