it’s not happy and it’s not sad.

I’m trying to put it into words but the phrases elude me. I can only define it by what it’s not.
Because it’s not happiness and it’s not sadness but it’s something in between.
It’s almost like the feeling you get when someone plays with your hair and you get all warm and fuzzy and loved and sleepy. But right on the edge is the knowledge that it won’t always be like this. But there’s acceptance in that. There will be bad days and good days all of the days of your existence. Some days will be bad due to monstrous things which should never be mentioned but will be with you always. Other days will be bad for reasons you’ll never be able to explain, not even to yourself. Days that should be acknowledged but slept away.
But you’ll also experience the best days of your life. First and last loves, the big momentous days to be spoken of and celebrated forever. But you’ll also have days which seem like nothing at all happens but are inherently beautiful and lovely.
And as long as you can know and accept that, you’ll be okay. There are days that must happen to you. But there are days that you’ll be privileged to live in. So embrace that warm and fuzzy feeling, and give that polite nod to the knowledge, sitting right there on the edge of it all, that it won’t always be like this.
Celebrate it all. The mornings that you spend in the cafe with your best friend reading books. The ritual of a cuppa, just sitting there drinking it in your lounge room, marvelling at the talent of friends. Flipping through different books on your bookshelf trying to find a description that encapsulates how you feel. And then sitting down and trying to write one for yourself. The evenings walking along the beach in gumboots (so you can walk in the shallows cause that’s much more fun) and staring at the stars and planets shining above. Looking out at the horizon and feeling ever so tiny and insignificant and alone. Embrace it. Because it’s not happiness and it’s not sadness. It’s beautiful and it will break your heart. But it will also put it back together.

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